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Day 18 dont read this one

July 18, 2026


*This is not a normal blog post. at time of writing im having a mental breakdown and on the verge of a full panic attack. this was written purely for myself as a reference for later and as an exersise to try and prevent a full meltdown. DO NOT READ THIS, but if you do, trigger warning for depression*

im writing this at the height of a depressive episode. i feel like shit, my body feels light and my heart is beating out of my chest, im inbetween wanting to scream and punch and cry and run but i can do none. my room mate is worried and im stressing him out, i cant be doing this but that just makes me feel worse which makes him more upset which compounds and compounds and ruins a precious day off with all this trash.

its not lost on me that im only like this on weekends really, its not lost that the time im away from work and my only obligation becomes dnd that im at my worse. but it cant be dnd thats a fun game and work is real and stressful, only thing that happens when i run dnd is im board for 5 hours and im worried that at any second im going to slip up and ruin the game for my friend and make a new stressful episode where i ether have to run the game for 10 hours looking to salvage it or i scrap the game and spend the next week preparing another on that is more than likely doomed to the same fate, i cant run a game to completion in a way that is satisfying. im too lazy to prep properly so most of my shit wont have sheets or mechanics i just throw aproximate numbers at the wall until the damage delt seems reasonable so i cant feel confident in ever defeating my player as even if their sheet wasnt totally busted and trivialised any encounter i could design not designing one means no defeat would ever feel earned, tho nether would any i did design since again, he is way way way smarter than me so the mechaniocs i put together are just going to be phased through or be totall bullshit of their own.

yeah dnd stresses me out, and i think it can stess me out more than work because i know its not supposed to be stressful, i know im doing it for a friend rather than to survive but that just makes it more stressful since i value his happyness much more than my survival. its just a game, why do i haf to be sad. i get allowence from the govenment for being 'unfit to work' as my depression is considered servere enough to prevent me from handeling the stress of work but that dosent feel like an excuse, i beleve depression is real and hard for others but i cant accept that mine is that survere even tho im here trying to work through my stress in a public form i know friends of mine read and i know public strangers might read and while their is no explicit connection between this blog and my real life theire is enough infered conection that one could work it out.

i need to calm down, im hoping writing this can be somthing of an outlet to let my stress out and work through it but i is also making me spiral as i feel guilty for doing this and not preping, i have been told to rest up today if i need but that word, need, i dont need to do anything, i want to rest to sleep to be my natural lazy self and just ignore my issues forever. but i need to not, i need to push on and keep going. i need to fight and get stronger and stop being a burden to others, i need to get over this and myself and quit throwing this aful pitty perade.

its going to be ok, its going to be ok, im ok, im enough, people like me, people care about me, i have friends, im not a burden and im ok. i need to breath. i need to be calm.

real update tomorrow, sory for this self indulgent rant, im sorry if you read this but in my defemce i told you not too.